I'm 20 years old. And for the first time since I was introduced to the whole concept of love (read: high school) I'm single.
I don't mean to imply that I have been in string of relationships right through my high school and out into college. I'm not that type of emotional slut. My 'have-no-prospect-of-ever-becoming-a-couple-crushes' last longer than some relationships, trust me.
I have been in a relationship with the idea of being in a relationship. Or, the idea of love at least.
Right after the hottest girl in my batch declared she had a boyfriend, being desired by someone from the opposite sex became somehow, very comforting to imagine. Admit it, undivided attention feels goood!
Ever since the hormonal forces decided to play God in my life, there has been, at any given point in time, one object of obsession in my life. I say one and not at least one because I'm a one crush only woman, silly like that.
Unfortunately, my excellent choice in men was blatantly imitated by a lot of better looking girls in school, leaving me to to sit in a corner and cry about how he broke my heart without even knowing I exist.
That was the story of my first serious crush. (Note: Looks fugly now. Bad sense of style. Too dumb. Yay to past me for not getting involved!!)
While I was still pining for something that was never to be, the mummyji decided to hammer me with the idea that your soulmate must belong to your own caste and not have the same gotra but good sanskaras are a must.
Now I spent time mentally imagining myself being wooed by this deshastha brahmin mumma's boy. (I was THAT young). I can't keep my life on hold while you don't even bother with a glance, I told my first crush (all in my head of course) and moved on to the next one. This was more of an on off thing, and right now, I don't know where this stands. This is like that fall back option, something that kinda always has a spark, but nothing consequential.
Then the third thing happened. Shit got real. I went on a date. Or so I thought. We split the cost of drinks, he had a strawberry slush (men and pink drink- big no no) and tried to convince me to do that whole e-biz sales thing. No Joke.
I could never take the boy seriously after that.
I got lucky after this. Forth time lucky in love. A beautiful relationship unfolded, lasted though the years of college and after that, it just stopped working. To find someone with so much intellectual compatibility and dream of a life with them is a warm, gooey and comfortable feeling. I still don't know what went wrong, probably never will, but I stopped being happy, and he did too, and beyond a point I could not take the hurt.
For a very long time, every time I read a mildly mushy-teenager-appealing paragraph about love, I always had someone to think of. Unrealistically assuming my aforementioned love life started at the onset of teenage itself, after spending 5 years being 'almost single' and then four years being audaciously committed, I now am wholly single.
And while this is uncharted territory I like this already. I don't have to blame anyone or their thoughts for the lack of sleep, the phone isn't etched into my hand or to my ear anymore and I can have my own opinions, without seeking approval of any one, I can read books I like to read and I don't have to go through the pain of having to look good for someone else, I can do it to feel good about myself.
After years of having trouble getting someone's thoughts out of my head, the top floor is now officially empty. There is no ideal guy I can mentally cook up a relationship with, no real guy I can do a little healthy flirting with. Basically, there is nothing going on in the love section of my life right now.
I'm still very optimistic, I still believe in love, and that someday someone will woo me again and sweep me off my feet, but until that time, this singles waiting room isn't too bad is it?
I don't mean to imply that I have been in string of relationships right through my high school and out into college. I'm not that type of emotional slut. My 'have-no-prospect-of-ever-becoming-a-couple-crushes' last longer than some relationships, trust me.
I have been in a relationship with the idea of being in a relationship. Or, the idea of love at least.
Right after the hottest girl in my batch declared she had a boyfriend, being desired by someone from the opposite sex became somehow, very comforting to imagine. Admit it, undivided attention feels goood!
Ever since the hormonal forces decided to play God in my life, there has been, at any given point in time, one object of obsession in my life. I say one and not at least one because I'm a one crush only woman, silly like that.
Unfortunately, my excellent choice in men was blatantly imitated by a lot of better looking girls in school, leaving me to to sit in a corner and cry about how he broke my heart without even knowing I exist.
That was the story of my first serious crush. (Note: Looks fugly now. Bad sense of style. Too dumb. Yay to past me for not getting involved!!)
While I was still pining for something that was never to be, the mummyji decided to hammer me with the idea that your soulmate must belong to your own caste and not have the same gotra but good sanskaras are a must.
Now I spent time mentally imagining myself being wooed by this deshastha brahmin mumma's boy. (I was THAT young). I can't keep my life on hold while you don't even bother with a glance, I told my first crush (all in my head of course) and moved on to the next one. This was more of an on off thing, and right now, I don't know where this stands. This is like that fall back option, something that kinda always has a spark, but nothing consequential.
Then the third thing happened. Shit got real. I went on a date. Or so I thought. We split the cost of drinks, he had a strawberry slush (men and pink drink- big no no) and tried to convince me to do that whole e-biz sales thing. No Joke.
I could never take the boy seriously after that.
I got lucky after this. Forth time lucky in love. A beautiful relationship unfolded, lasted though the years of college and after that, it just stopped working. To find someone with so much intellectual compatibility and dream of a life with them is a warm, gooey and comfortable feeling. I still don't know what went wrong, probably never will, but I stopped being happy, and he did too, and beyond a point I could not take the hurt.
For a very long time, every time I read a mildly mushy-teenager-appealing paragraph about love, I always had someone to think of. Unrealistically assuming my aforementioned love life started at the onset of teenage itself, after spending 5 years being 'almost single' and then four years being audaciously committed, I now am wholly single.
And while this is uncharted territory I like this already. I don't have to blame anyone or their thoughts for the lack of sleep, the phone isn't etched into my hand or to my ear anymore and I can have my own opinions, without seeking approval of any one, I can read books I like to read and I don't have to go through the pain of having to look good for someone else, I can do it to feel good about myself.
After years of having trouble getting someone's thoughts out of my head, the top floor is now officially empty. There is no ideal guy I can mentally cook up a relationship with, no real guy I can do a little healthy flirting with. Basically, there is nothing going on in the love section of my life right now.
I'm still very optimistic, I still believe in love, and that someday someone will woo me again and sweep me off my feet, but until that time, this singles waiting room isn't too bad is it?
