For every female that has ever had a serious relationship going on up to the point where you probably casually added songs into a play list that you were sure could be played at your fabled wedding only to, in one day, or month, or as in my case, in one year realize that it isn't going to work out, I am belching out an 'Advice List'
1. Dumbledore is dead. Nothing you can do will revive the old soul. And honey, so is the relationship. Over. Khatam. Khallas. Finish. Over.
2. You're a woman, not a cow. Stop regurgitation.
3. Re running every aspect of your time with them in your head to figure out what it is that you did, where did it fumble, at what point in time it went wrong- pointless. The only good that can come out of this ordeal is that after you torture your mind like this, mayyybe, Dhoom 3 will be bearable? No? Okay.
4. While we are at it, imagining vivid scenarios about how you'll suddenly meet in some run down coffee shop because fate is cruel and it will propel you into the same city as the person whose absence convinced you that one more bowl of ice cream would sort your life out, isn't happening. Mostly when the time comes, when you have a choice, I believe you'll make a sane decision and not go down that path. Nothing good ever comes out of this.
5. Your ex is a jackass. No matter how much you'd want to believe otherwise. He is. I was convinced mine was super-mega-awesomely-brilliant too, until he called after over a long dragging year of fallout, brutally convinced he was the savior and somehow after the nice little abandon that was impeccably timed, he could just waltz into my life and 'be there' for me and 'make things better' because, guess what, he was willing to do 'whatever it takes to help me'. All this while we were seeing other people and I could hear his SO in the background mumbling. Fucked me up nice for a good quantum of time.
6. Shave your legs. So it was long distance, and he'd never see you in like forever, so you just let it grow away into the wilderness! Shave it off! Feel the soft silk of warm water as it runs over the smooth skin. Enjoy the caress, the warmth, you deserve it. If there was a list of top 10 things people do after a break up, self pamper would make it to the top, because we've had enough of being neglected. Do it. Get a haircut or whatever, you're a blossoming princess in pink land, and you deserve a tiara! Or confetti. Or both. You go, Girl!
7. Watch Mental Floss on YouTube. Therapeutic beyond words. "Hi! I'm John Green welcome to my salon THIS is mental floss." *Gush of gooey warmth for no real reason*
8. On that note, watch YouTube DIY videos. Read life hacks. Congratulations! You've figured out more life than the ex. How does that make you feel?! Gratifying, isn't it?
9. There are two worst things that can happen to you as a person after a break up. You become that person who positively hates the fact that their ex is happy. The second is that movement when you realize what you've become. I've given you the heads up, but you'll just have to deal with it on your own, let your personality flow.
10. Your ex's next will be way prettier, fairer, whiter, taller, smarter, and as close to a greek goddess as it gets. You'll just have adopted a pet dog or gotten a new hobby. I don't see why this would sadden a lot of people. See what it took to replace the void you left, and all you needed was a dog.
11. Send stinkers to them. I mean, they already hate you! And the good old days when you could yell it out at a telemarketer all your troubles are long gone. So, stinker away. Emails, texts, and if you have a flair for drama, write a brilliant sarcastic list of things you'd advice every broken up female creature to do, and post it without regrets.
12. I need the title to have the word 'dozen' so lorem ipsum dolor sit amet for all I care. But well, you'll be okay, it'll be fine, pizza helps you lose weight, ice cream is good for your internal organs, yada yada yada.
I'll gracefully walk away now, like any lady would, when she knows it isn't working.
'Ta!
~WispySilver.
1. Dumbledore is dead. Nothing you can do will revive the old soul. And honey, so is the relationship. Over. Khatam. Khallas. Finish. Over.
2. You're a woman, not a cow. Stop regurgitation.
3. Re running every aspect of your time with them in your head to figure out what it is that you did, where did it fumble, at what point in time it went wrong- pointless. The only good that can come out of this ordeal is that after you torture your mind like this, mayyybe, Dhoom 3 will be bearable? No? Okay.
4. While we are at it, imagining vivid scenarios about how you'll suddenly meet in some run down coffee shop because fate is cruel and it will propel you into the same city as the person whose absence convinced you that one more bowl of ice cream would sort your life out, isn't happening. Mostly when the time comes, when you have a choice, I believe you'll make a sane decision and not go down that path. Nothing good ever comes out of this.
5. Your ex is a jackass. No matter how much you'd want to believe otherwise. He is. I was convinced mine was super-mega-awesomely-brilliant too, until he called after over a long dragging year of fallout, brutally convinced he was the savior and somehow after the nice little abandon that was impeccably timed, he could just waltz into my life and 'be there' for me and 'make things better' because, guess what, he was willing to do 'whatever it takes to help me'. All this while we were seeing other people and I could hear his SO in the background mumbling. Fucked me up nice for a good quantum of time.
6. Shave your legs. So it was long distance, and he'd never see you in like forever, so you just let it grow away into the wilderness! Shave it off! Feel the soft silk of warm water as it runs over the smooth skin. Enjoy the caress, the warmth, you deserve it. If there was a list of top 10 things people do after a break up, self pamper would make it to the top, because we've had enough of being neglected. Do it. Get a haircut or whatever, you're a blossoming princess in pink land, and you deserve a tiara! Or confetti. Or both. You go, Girl!
7. Watch Mental Floss on YouTube. Therapeutic beyond words. "Hi! I'm John Green welcome to my salon THIS is mental floss." *Gush of gooey warmth for no real reason*
8. On that note, watch YouTube DIY videos. Read life hacks. Congratulations! You've figured out more life than the ex. How does that make you feel?! Gratifying, isn't it?
9. There are two worst things that can happen to you as a person after a break up. You become that person who positively hates the fact that their ex is happy. The second is that movement when you realize what you've become. I've given you the heads up, but you'll just have to deal with it on your own, let your personality flow.
10. Your ex's next will be way prettier, fairer, whiter, taller, smarter, and as close to a greek goddess as it gets. You'll just have adopted a pet dog or gotten a new hobby. I don't see why this would sadden a lot of people. See what it took to replace the void you left, and all you needed was a dog.
11. Send stinkers to them. I mean, they already hate you! And the good old days when you could yell it out at a telemarketer all your troubles are long gone. So, stinker away. Emails, texts, and if you have a flair for drama, write a brilliant sarcastic list of things you'd advice every broken up female creature to do, and post it without regrets.
12. I need the title to have the word 'dozen' so lorem ipsum dolor sit amet for all I care. But well, you'll be okay, it'll be fine, pizza helps you lose weight, ice cream is good for your internal organs, yada yada yada.
I'll gracefully walk away now, like any lady would, when she knows it isn't working.
'Ta!
~WispySilver.
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