Being Single

I'm 20 years old. And for the first time since I was introduced to the whole concept of love (read: high school) I'm single.
I don't mean to imply that I have been in string of relationships right through my high school and out into college. I'm not that type of emotional slut. My 'have-no-prospect-of-ever-becoming-a-couple-crushes' last longer than some relationships, trust me.
I have been in a relationship with the idea of being in a relationship. Or, the idea of love at least.
Right after the hottest girl in my batch declared she had a boyfriend, being desired by someone from the opposite sex became somehow, very comforting to imagine. Admit it, undivided attention feels goood!
Ever since the hormonal forces decided to play God in my life, there has been, at any given point in time, one object of obsession in my life. I say one and not at least one because I'm a one crush only woman, silly like that.
Unfortunately, my excellent choice in men was blatantly imitated by a lot of better looking girls in school, leaving me to to sit in a corner and cry about how he broke my heart without even knowing I exist.
That was the story of my first serious crush. (Note: Looks fugly now. Bad sense of style. Too dumb. Yay to past me for not getting involved!!)
While I was still pining for something that was never to be, the mummyji decided to hammer me with the idea that your soulmate must belong to your own caste and not have the same gotra but good sanskaras are a must.
Now I spent time mentally imagining myself being wooed by this deshastha brahmin mumma's boy. (I was THAT young). I can't keep my life on hold while you don't even bother with a glance, I told my first crush (all in my head of course) and moved on to the next one. This was more of an on off thing, and right now, I don't know where this stands. This is like that fall back option, something that kinda always has a spark, but nothing consequential.
Then the third thing happened. Shit got real. I went on a date. Or so I thought. We split the cost of drinks, he had a strawberry slush (men and pink drink- big no no) and tried to convince me to do that whole e-biz sales thing. No Joke.
I could never take the boy seriously after that.
I got lucky after this. Forth time lucky in love. A beautiful relationship unfolded, lasted though the years of college and after that, it just stopped working. To find someone with so much intellectual compatibility and dream of a life with them is a warm, gooey and comfortable feeling. I still don't know what went wrong, probably never will, but I stopped being happy, and he did too, and beyond a point I could not take the hurt.
For a very long time, every time I read a mildly mushy-teenager-appealing paragraph about love, I always had someone to think of. Unrealistically assuming my aforementioned love life started at the onset of teenage itself, after spending 5 years being 'almost single' and then four years being audaciously committed, I now am wholly single.
And while this is uncharted territory I like this already. I don't have to blame anyone or their thoughts for the lack of sleep, the phone isn't etched into my hand or to my ear anymore and I can have my own opinions, without seeking approval of any one, I can read books I like to read and I don't have to go through the pain of having to look good for someone else, I can do it to feel good about myself.
After years of having trouble getting someone's thoughts out of my head, the top floor is now officially empty. There is no ideal guy I can mentally cook up a relationship with, no real guy I can do a little healthy flirting with. Basically, there is nothing going on in the love section of my life right now.
I'm still very optimistic, I still believe in love, and that someday someone will woo me again and sweep me off my feet, but until that time, this singles waiting room isn't too bad is it?    

The "Unfertile" Bitch

Warning: This is a VERY offensive post. I am very offended and I'm gonna bite back. 

So, long story short, I had a friend who'd keep "getting some" without making the guy put on "some" and now there is something something in her v-jay-jay that she isn't very proud of. I kept telling that a condom would always be cheaper than an abortion, but economics was never really her strong subject. 

One day, she called me and told me there's a bun in her oven. And she wanted my non existent money to 'handle the situation' because the daddy pooped his pants I think. 

 I was worried for her and I was pissed, 

"Are you proud of yourself now?"  I asked her. 

"Shut up you unfertile bitch" she screamed back. 

Really?! Okay. I admit. I have a problem. And thankfully I'm not one of those ladies who figure it out in front of their whole sasurals that they can never give a "vansh" ka diya to them. 

I'm aware of whats happening. The gynac has been nice very clear to me about what is going on down there and mum dad have been supportive through it. 

And honestly, I'm 20! T-W-E-N-T-Y!  Just 20 years old for god sake! Pushing another human out of the most *ahm ahm* part of my body is really not something I want right now. I refuse to be a baby-factory.

Just no.

I don't even like kids that much. I'm not going to produce someone who can't poop, piss, eat or even sleep on their own. I really have better things to do. 

I refuse to believe that we are only here to 'push our species forward' and the whole point of our existence is to produce replicas of ourselves and then die. 

I refuse to do it. 

Fertility does not make you a good parent. Giving birth or bringing another human being into this world makes sense only if you can teach the little one how to live. If you can ever love them so much that all your needs become secondary to their wants, that's being a parent. Being almost twice their age, and still understanding what they are going through and being supportive-that's parenting. Putting your foot down, saying no when you know its' for the child's own good, that's being a parent.  

 Being really eggy down there won't make you a good mother, having enough grey matter and sensibility up there, might.  

And, considering how your fertility is doling out a love child who won't know why his daddy is such a coward and why his mommy doesn't have any good friends, I'm happy being the way I am. 

Oh, and by the way, its not unfertile, its "infertile".

One of the best emails I've ever written...

This is the mail I wrote to my ex. I was really upset and frustrated and I felt abused and disrespected. 
I mean honestly, he'd start a conversation with me on twitter and reply to my tweets with a "ShitGirlsSay" 
hashtag. 

He wasn't happy in Goa, Ahmedabad, Banglore, Mumbai, Singapore and finds reasons to complain about his room mate in New York. He was a whiny sissy for 4 years, and I accepted him, with all his goods and bads. 
My one bad spell ( Okay I admit, it was a long one, but not 4 years long, I swear) had him packing bags and blocking me on twitter. *gasp gasp* 

I didn't like him talking to other chics, for the sole reason that he'd be super nice them while I got a shitgirlssay hashtag. Won't I feel insecure, you tell me?
I don't think he knows who my favorite artist is, but I'm sure he's ridiculed him without even listening to his songs. 

He ridiculed my choices in music, books, authors, sitcoms, and career paths.  

Maybe he was right. I made bad choices. For instance, I chose to stick around this self centered piece of shit for 4 years.
So, here it goes, 

One fine day you wake up and realize I'm not taking "concrete steps" to get
close to you. So you tell me to leave all that I'm doing so I kill the
distance. Like I snap my fingers and get a new degree in a new continent.
Then you tell me you can't handle 6 years of immense separation, a number
you've randomly cooked up and its so bloody fixed in your head nothing I
tell you will change it.
So you call it all off. Send me a "good bye" mail and all that. My slow
reaction gets interpreted as me being "cold hearted" and "mean". And that
pisses you off more.
For an entire week my life is topsy turvey.. and you don't even realize
what you've done.
You say I'm the one for you, but you don't think I'm worth the wait.
You decide I'm not fucking serious enough about you. You act like a bastard
and victimize yourself by claiming borderline depression and loneliness.
I'm made to feel like the bad person in here by claiming I'm not there for you.
Your choice, your dream to go live in that big country, that wasn't the
cause baby, it was all me.
But this time, I don't apologize. I've had enough of saying sorry for
mistakes that were never mine.
I ask for one more try. But I'm not convinced about it myself.
I cry. I beg. Doesn't affect you.
Then you suddenly think I'm worth it. So you say a sorry. And you convince
yourself all my scars are gone. All it took was one fucking sorry from you.
I'm still not sure. You take a 'vow' to get me saying "I love you" by the
end of the week. Like I'm just another goddamn conquest of your glorious
bloody life.
You act like an arrogant shithead and I still take you back.
You manage to get me saying the "three magical words" again. But baby, I'm
still not sure.
I act like I'm treading on egg shells. All my words are measured. I'm not
being myself. You don't even realize it. Your closest observation is, "You
are saying too many LOLs these days"
Gradually, I'm getting around the fact that maybe, just maybe, you'll
really love me for what I am, no matter what I say or do, I'm not going to
lose you. I start being more me.
Then a little wishy wasshy argument happens.
I hope you'll just be a typical guy who'll try and make up.
But what do you? You tell me to cut back on the drama.
What the fuck were you doing all this while you asshole?
Your PMS-eque actions were aimed at getting me to leave my dream, my
ambitions behind just so we can fucking cure you goddamn self imposed
loneliness but that's all right.
I expect one time sweet gesture from you and I need to cut back on the
drama?
Fuck off you bastard.
*Honestly, is all this really worth the pain? I'm not even sure if this
makes me happy anymore.*


May this mail serve as a warning to all prospective guys (if there are any, at all) that as nice as I am, you don't want to piss me off. *snarl*

Signs of being a "Vipasshi"

1. You can sit absolutely still for one hour. Pillows attached, of course.
2. Red pants, green kurta, brown jacket, purple dupatta and yellow umbrella. Enough said.
3. Estrogen overdose.
4. Poha everyday, eleven days, sometimes twice a day.
5. All the poha eating has put you off poha. As a Deshatha Brahmin eating Saada pohe, Kanda pohe, Batata pohe, Dadpe pohe, Taak pohe, Doodh pohe, hating pohe is huge dushkarma. Huge, huge dushkarma.
6. A big ass bell wakes you up.
7. Louie the Macchar luurvves you. Because you don't use Mortein for 10 days. The whole sheel of non-violence thingy. Okay I killed 7 baby roaches so let's just skip this one.
8. Awake before dawn, lunch before noon, and no dinner at all.
9. Warm ginger water, everyday, 10 days, 3 times a day.
10. You realize your body can digest food without an illuminated screen.
11. You are so bored you start practicing a french braid, and by the end of it, you are a pseudo-pro at it.
12. Laundry tags!
13. No mirror.
14. Hindi vocabulary overhaul.
15. Sannatta. Not even eye contact. For 10 days. Then you don't even recognize your voice!
16. All religions start getting referred to as "Darshnik manyata" and all rites and rituals become "karam-kand"
17. Aaaand... you go out in  search of peace and find happiness insted.

:)  
P.S. I absolutely loved my time there, and if there is anyone who'd like to know more about the course and what happens there, I'll be happy to help! However, if you have queries about the technique I'm not experienced enough to answer them.
Drop in a comment about life in there and I'll get back :)
P.P.S. I'm going to write a serious post about it. Eventually. I promise. ;)

Pictures from the Igatpuri center.

A Dog's Tail

So, * pregnant pause* I screamed at my boss.
No really, I did! On the top of my voice, with the whole one-hand-on-my-hip and the other one pointing a finger at her, making her feel guilty for all that she did.
So, here's how it goes...
After all of us articles decided to 'boycott' the office over a day for some petty issues, the bosses got their knickers all tied up and they called us for a meeting next day, where I shamelessly hinted at a "greater" cause.
After that I and 4 other co-articles walked into her cabin for 'discussing' stuff and when her bullshit reached the limit, my Agni-V launched itself on to her. I yelled at her, insulted her, pointed out each of mistakes and let her know that her lack of planning, unwillingness to take the lead and encouraging us to do the work was causing delays. Her taunts and and her manner less bitching about me to the other colleagues and her unprofessional ways of spreading lies about me were the reason I didn't want to work there anymore.

'If you don't like my goddamn work say it to my bloody face upfront' I screamed at her. 'Gimme a transfer if you think the quality of my work is shit' I yelled.
She sat there, slowing sinking into her chair, getting all teary eyed, saying, "I never did that" and justifying each of her petty little decisions.
And this lady is a CA.
A CA who got yelled by her articles, who thought I was necessary to justify her actions to them. A CA who doesn't even realize 'Who's the boss'.

 I have had my doubts that "CA" is 'the thing to do' is just a product of false publicity and some day these silly expectations will be shattered, and people will realize that not *every* CA is up to the mark and the institute produces more failures than successes. This whole incident stands testimony to my predictions.


P.S. Even after this drama, she called my colleagues (i.e., her juniors) to tell them that she thinks whatever I said was correct and she did make mistakes and she'd try and improve.

 Say it to my bloody face upfront, you bitch.
 ;)

If I hadn't met him...

If I hadn't met him the way I met him, I'd probably have met him like this.


She walked into that small cafe at the corner near her apartment, glad to find her favorite table empty. She smiled at the owner and asked the waitress for the usual as she sat down by the table overlooking the street. Sitting there, she could be oblivious to the world as she devoured her latest find at the book store or she could sit there, looking at every movement on the street, lost in her own thoughts.
She opened her bag, took out the book she was reading as the waitress got her order. Smell of coffee, and the smell of a brand new book, and she was lost.
She'd almost lost awareness of her surroundings until a guy gently tapped the table and asked her if he could join her.
Barely looking from her book, she gave a small nod and he sat down. "Thanks" he said. She looked at him from over her book, gave a slight nod and went back reading.
"So, whats the best thing about this place?" He asked.
"The waitress would know." She said
"I'd like to know what you think is good." He said.
"Coffee" She said, almost going back to her book, but suddenly looked back into his eyes and said, "and strangers who don't butt into other peoples businesses"
"Okay, then, I'm __ and I talk to computers for a living." He chimed.
She looked at him quizzical when he said, "Not a stranger anymore, right?"
She smiled one of her rare smiles, the ice melting away and the book ignored on the table as the two got talking.

She still thinks it a coincidence that the cafe was so full that they had to share a table, and he still thinks its funny that she never noticed how empty the cafe was when they first met.

Signs that things aren't going too well...

..at the office, of course!

A junior called me the other day, asking me if there is a vacancy at "my" firm, and all I could blurt out to her was a big arse NO. I mean, yes there is vacancy, and yes, we could do with a few more smart, willing to work people around, but I'm not really cruel, and I'd never subject anyone else to Azkaban, would I?

So here's my little list of "You know your office sucks when..."

1. You come home for lunch and never go back

2. If you were the deserted-nerdy-types at school, your office reminds of School.

3. You suddenly are missing your school

4. You wish your boss had a spine

5. You *really* understand what people mean when they say, "Don't join an office with too many women in it."

6. As an Article, you start looking at work like a three year long formality.

7. You really understand, with practical demonstrations, how the power of idiot manifests itself.

8. When the office teaches you "How not to run an office"

9. When you can't wait for Saturdays.

10. The happiest time in the office is when it's lunch.

11. You are delighted when the Chai-wala arrives.

12. The only human in the office is this nice lady who does the errands.

13. When you cover your ears every time the loud admin auntie opens her mouth.

14. When you are glad you aren't a first attempt pass because of the numerous ass clowns belonging to that category you have to deal with everyday.

15.You think the term "CA" was just insulted when your boss used it before her name.

16. You realize why manners are important.

17. You take the time out from your Suppa-Beejee schedule to block all co-workers from your FB account.

18. You scream, "Bitch Please" in you head every time someone opens their mouth.

19. You feel like a superhero every time you tell someone to not join your firm.

20. You curse your intelligence.

21. Thanks to your critical observation of the boss, you can now write a book titled "1001 ways to demotivate someone".

22. The time spent on fiddling around with stationary has taught you as much about physics as angry birds.

P.S. I like my work, or I think I like to convince myself that I do. But one thing is for sure, the main trouble at my work is people who lack basic manners. People who are downright rude and inconsiderate.

And this kind of talent takes a lot of time to develop, and as impressive as it is to be a Medusa all the time, its kind of disgusting too.