A CA Student's handy guide to non verbal communication

No matter how important communication is in day to day professional and personal life, my Boss strongly believes that sending out proper invoices to clients for work done are so useless. Why waste precious white paper when old, parchment-yellow chits do the work just fine? Simply scribble an amount in pencil and send one of your bonded laborers articled assistants over, because future Chartereds need to know how to look and act like goons. 

Much Practical, Very Wow. 

This anti-communication stand works best if you're the kind of pansy ass pussy professional individual who hates confrontations or discussions. Why waste energy talking when you could simply make faces at your articles?! Let them play the guessing game. Work should be fun, no? 

As an ex-teenager, I'm not new to the whole I-hate-the-world-for-not-understanding-me-even-though-I-refuse-to-speak way of life, I'm well placed in this organisation to act as an unofficial (we don't really bother with formalities here, but you've already realized that?) translator to explain the workings of a mind as numb-fucked as my Boss' is. 

So, here is a list (Listicles aren't for hipsters anymore, are they? *sigh*) of the faces your boss makes and what to make of them. 

(If I was an American I'd have made tall claims like how this is the #1 list to improve interpersonal communication stuff, but well, its tough to improve on something non-existent, to be honest)  

1. Someone-shot-my-right-kneecap-face: Totaling Mistake, casting posting errors. Thou shalt work on thy calculator skills! Maybe don't have such thick fingers, looser!

2. Someone-shot-my-left-kneecap-face: Why on earth would you accidentally take a BRAND NEW printer page to print just a rough draft of something?! Whyyyy?!

3. The-Ball-Crusher-Pain-Face: You're the kind that plans their potty around work. Getting paid to poop is exhilarating. Guess what, Boss got a wind of your stinky stinky plans. It hurts him right where it should hurt the most! Your poopoo isn't meeting his expectations, is it?

4. Someone-twisted-my-arm-real-bad-face: Client gave you bad news, you gave it to Boss. Boss believes it's cool and hip to shoot the messenger. 

5.  Weird-cramp-in-my-calves-face: DATA LOST! DATA LOST! Don't touch anything. His Holiness is backed up by 100 legit hours of ITT (Information Technology Training) from the ICAI, oh wait, No, he isn't! Never mind. Well he's a first attempt CA after all, he will figure this shit out, eventually. Infinite Monkey universe typing out the entire Shakespeare is also almost possible. And we're an optimistic bunch of bobble heads!

6. Something-has-been-shoved-up-my-arse-face: You're wasting time. He is giving you the gift of gyaan, so much priceless gyaan he doesn't need to pay you a penny. And now look what you've done. You're on the phone again, aren't you? Throw that wretched bewitched metal thingy away man, Gyaan is being baatofied. What is wrong with you!?!

Or, maybe he's just looking the stuck up bitch he actually is. 

More explanations to be added as and when new faces are discovered.  

~Your friendly neighborhood translator, 

   WispySilver

The Shit of The Chartereds

First of all, some very serious apologies to Doc. I cursed like a pirate in the last post and I should not have done that. I have a better vocab and I agree cursing is an insult to it. I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again. :)

Yet, there is a curse word in the title, but I've rattled every dusty corner of my head but the only way I can explain the behavior of the Chartered Accountants is poopy.
And so, here it goes:

1. Years of mental masturbation to feel good about the certification by calling it the "Toughest Course all over India" and calling themselves esteemed professionals and other assorted managerial balderdash.
2. Cribbing about how clients don't pay fees on time.
3. Never paying articles the stipend due to them. I've been charity-ing away at my office for the past year. Boss is shameless and somehow I'm ashamed to ask.
4. Extra favors to clients' kids coming for articleship.
5. Never being on time. No respect for other peoples' time.
6. Technological illiteracy. Boss cannot tell an Excel file from a Word file.
7. Penny wise pound foolishness.
8. Allowing articles to come late go early in lieu of non payment of stipend. Basically pimping themselves out to save a monthly payment as intense as Rs 1,250/-
9. Making sick articles come to work then marking them "absent" even if they've worked for over half a day.
10. Comparing degrees. "The new article is a MCom and her score in BCom is also way higher than you." She cannot even operate a scanner, but yes, evidently, she's better than you.
11.Calling themselves "Thorough Professionals" yet not being able meet any deadlines in a smooth, cool, calm, collected and organised manner.
12. Bitching about one client to the other.
13. Having choked up toilets in the office and then claiming that girls must be putting something inside. Because of course, no one taught us how to dispose off sanitary napkins. Maybe you have a professional way to do it. Teach us, would you?
14. Making articles fill out their kids' CA exam forms. I'd like to see a Chartered made out of a person who can't fill a form by themselves.
15. Late payment of stipend by was of backdated cheques. This is even more pathetic. Your bank balance is so low you can't pay a thousand bucks every month on time? Seriously, CA?
16. Accounting for a client and then acting as a statutory auditor as well.
17. Horrible horrible English.
18. Making articles (those who are not in anyway related to any client) work upto 11 at night during peak seasons and offering only one cutting chai through the day.
19. Just calling themselves professionals.
20. Weird photo shoots at each seminar wearing blazers in summer and giving out flowers to each other.
21. No reimbursement of conveyance or food when the article visits a client.
22. Treating articles like bonded labour.

If you aren't able to treat a human like a human, if you lack basic empathy and courtesy, you can take this certification and shove it up where the sun don't shine because without any morals or ethics to adhere to, you're worse off than animals.

This comes from my experience in two different CA firms, but maybe my sample size is too small. Maybe if I get a little more exposure then possibly I'll meet an actual CA who is a testimony in flesh of the mirage created by Institute.

As a prospective member of this esteemed profession, I agree maybe I should not be saying bad stuff about my seniors and such other politically correct dialogues,
but honestly,
If they have no shame in doing it, why should I be ashamed of saying it out loud?

-WispySilver

A Dog's Tail

So, * pregnant pause* I screamed at my boss.
No really, I did! On the top of my voice, with the whole one-hand-on-my-hip and the other one pointing a finger at her, making her feel guilty for all that she did.
So, here's how it goes...
After all of us articles decided to 'boycott' the office over a day for some petty issues, the bosses got their knickers all tied up and they called us for a meeting next day, where I shamelessly hinted at a "greater" cause.
After that I and 4 other co-articles walked into her cabin for 'discussing' stuff and when her bullshit reached the limit, my Agni-V launched itself on to her. I yelled at her, insulted her, pointed out each of mistakes and let her know that her lack of planning, unwillingness to take the lead and encouraging us to do the work was causing delays. Her taunts and and her manner less bitching about me to the other colleagues and her unprofessional ways of spreading lies about me were the reason I didn't want to work there anymore.

'If you don't like my goddamn work say it to my bloody face upfront' I screamed at her. 'Gimme a transfer if you think the quality of my work is shit' I yelled.
She sat there, slowing sinking into her chair, getting all teary eyed, saying, "I never did that" and justifying each of her petty little decisions.
And this lady is a CA.
A CA who got yelled by her articles, who thought I was necessary to justify her actions to them. A CA who doesn't even realize 'Who's the boss'.

 I have had my doubts that "CA" is 'the thing to do' is just a product of false publicity and some day these silly expectations will be shattered, and people will realize that not *every* CA is up to the mark and the institute produces more failures than successes. This whole incident stands testimony to my predictions.


P.S. Even after this drama, she called my colleagues (i.e., her juniors) to tell them that she thinks whatever I said was correct and she did make mistakes and she'd try and improve.

 Say it to my bloody face upfront, you bitch.
 ;)