The Shit of The Chartereds

First of all, some very serious apologies to Doc. I cursed like a pirate in the last post and I should not have done that. I have a better vocab and I agree cursing is an insult to it. I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again. :)

Yet, there is a curse word in the title, but I've rattled every dusty corner of my head but the only way I can explain the behavior of the Chartered Accountants is poopy.
And so, here it goes:

1. Years of mental masturbation to feel good about the certification by calling it the "Toughest Course all over India" and calling themselves esteemed professionals and other assorted managerial balderdash.
2. Cribbing about how clients don't pay fees on time.
3. Never paying articles the stipend due to them. I've been charity-ing away at my office for the past year. Boss is shameless and somehow I'm ashamed to ask.
4. Extra favors to clients' kids coming for articleship.
5. Never being on time. No respect for other peoples' time.
6. Technological illiteracy. Boss cannot tell an Excel file from a Word file.
7. Penny wise pound foolishness.
8. Allowing articles to come late go early in lieu of non payment of stipend. Basically pimping themselves out to save a monthly payment as intense as Rs 1,250/-
9. Making sick articles come to work then marking them "absent" even if they've worked for over half a day.
10. Comparing degrees. "The new article is a MCom and her score in BCom is also way higher than you." She cannot even operate a scanner, but yes, evidently, she's better than you.
11.Calling themselves "Thorough Professionals" yet not being able meet any deadlines in a smooth, cool, calm, collected and organised manner.
12. Bitching about one client to the other.
13. Having choked up toilets in the office and then claiming that girls must be putting something inside. Because of course, no one taught us how to dispose off sanitary napkins. Maybe you have a professional way to do it. Teach us, would you?
14. Making articles fill out their kids' CA exam forms. I'd like to see a Chartered made out of a person who can't fill a form by themselves.
15. Late payment of stipend by was of backdated cheques. This is even more pathetic. Your bank balance is so low you can't pay a thousand bucks every month on time? Seriously, CA?
16. Accounting for a client and then acting as a statutory auditor as well.
17. Horrible horrible English.
18. Making articles (those who are not in anyway related to any client) work upto 11 at night during peak seasons and offering only one cutting chai through the day.
19. Just calling themselves professionals.
20. Weird photo shoots at each seminar wearing blazers in summer and giving out flowers to each other.
21. No reimbursement of conveyance or food when the article visits a client.
22. Treating articles like bonded labour.

If you aren't able to treat a human like a human, if you lack basic empathy and courtesy, you can take this certification and shove it up where the sun don't shine because without any morals or ethics to adhere to, you're worse off than animals.

This comes from my experience in two different CA firms, but maybe my sample size is too small. Maybe if I get a little more exposure then possibly I'll meet an actual CA who is a testimony in flesh of the mirage created by Institute.

As a prospective member of this esteemed profession, I agree maybe I should not be saying bad stuff about my seniors and such other politically correct dialogues,
but honestly,
If they have no shame in doing it, why should I be ashamed of saying it out loud?

-WispySilver

So I got called Fat today

I've been trying very hard to lose weight for quiet some time now. I've quit rice, potatoes, sweets, snacks, meats, bananas, mangoes, chikoos, milk and milk products, chai *cue gasp* etc etc..
Well, you do get the drift, right?
Basically I don't eat anything a sane person would eat on a normal day.
The boyfriend fondly calls everything I currently eat just one blanket name 'Danger Item'.
I muster all the strength I have to say "No" when I'm offered a Vada Pav, Samosa, Papad, Pizza, Paneer Chilli, Fried Rice, Lolly pops and other assorted greasy comforts.
I've even stopped worshiping at the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
So fuck yes, I don't eat normal food, exercise every fucking day and deal with hunger pangs that make me go batshit crazy aaand, because I like to live life dangerously, I also take a couple of pills that give me the mood swings that could give a ballerina's jumps a run for their money.

But I also have PCODs, which means smelling a cookie 10 feet away and I'm 2 kgs heavier.
And thus, I got called fat in class today.

Who called me that?
This chick, who- after 15 years of being educated/ instructed in English Medium says things like, " Kai Po Che means I *cutted* your patang" and loses the thread of conversations because she's got no fucking clue what "Espionage" means.

The worst part- Evidently, her opinion matters.

So, to all the pretty girls decaying under that smelly cosmetic layer of make-up who have everything great going for them, fuck you. Enjoy your life being the trophy wife that the society eventually wants you to be.
I'll be too busy diving in my pool of gold coins-a la Uncle Scrooge- to honestly give a fuck.

Blood thicker than water, eh?

Yes I went on this trip again. I stalked distant judgmental, officially loser-ly relatives on Facebook. Again. Ever expanding waist lines and deepening by the minute wrinkles make me giddy with delight. Was this not the same bunch of maasis and chachis and other assorted relatives that appointed themselves judges of my life?
Because you've got the money and the time and the vellah-ness to spend hours at a beauty parlor, you totally earn the right to point your puny little manicured fingers, yes.  My apparent lack of good looks (The mirror says I'm pretty, surely it can't lie for such an extended period of time, can it?) warranted their eternal pity. My parents' lack of excessive assets was probably a manure for their thoughts.

It was the time when I'd curl up, read up some Sheldon, think of myself as the next Lara Camaron- The Iron Butterfly, or Elizabeth Roffe, a real HCB (Hard Core Bitch, for the n00bs). Vivid scenarios would play in my  head, where I'd be tall, rich, slim, wearing ironed formals rushing from one big round table meet to another, signing papers and firing off tasks to the trusty secretary. Then I would think of a point in time when these big weenies would need me and I'd be a mean bitch to them. On good days, I'd imagine helping them because I chose to be  nice person.

Today when I look back, the vulnerability is funny.
I'm not really tall. (Well, in *ahem*, juxtaposition, if you know what I mean)
I can't wear high heels to work very often.
I'm not rich. (Insti regulated stipend, people!)
The only formals I can wear are rich desi numbers.
I get yelled at by mum in the morning, boss during the day and professors in the evening.
I sleep like a log through the night.
I've got dumb seniors, and dumber juniors.

I've a bunch of friends that can be called up at any point of time to bitch about the aforementioned *problems*.
I've a couple of friends who enjoy all my feminist, sexist, masochistic jokes and don't judge me.
I chose to be in this profession, in this state of life and I'm happy.
I don't pay taxes to a government that doesn't even consider me one of its own.
I can talk to mum dad about career, love, life in general and receive "culturally sound" advice, if you know what I mean.
I'm too busy to go on to Facebook and post desi jingoist agenda from my house in the US of A.
I might actually have posted a full blast entry on this money-seeded hypocrisy  but I'm too busy making tasteless jokes and snorting as a laugh to care.

Fuck you migratory relatives and fuck your ABCD kids, I'm happy, bhenchod.
Tu tera dekh.

-WispySilver: The Undercover Jingoist

P.S. Hate Toblerone. And Hersheys has a vomit like after taste. 

30 things...

Mostly for the newbee articles- More of a office-ly rant. Purposefully sly. Permission to take it with a pinch of salt is hereby granted.

1. Please stop asking stupid questions. Yes, your professors lied. There are stupid questions. And stop asking.
2. Don't come here with a mentality that everyone around will 'teach' you. You've come to learn, we get it, but we ain't here to "teach", honey.
3. Don't lie on your resume. If you say you went to a computer class, we'll think you know computers. And we will not "teach" you.
4. Don't cry.
5. Don't leave half eaten, half-to-the-floor food lying around. We will insult your parents' upbringing skills if you do that, then you'll cry. Refer rule 4.
6. Don't have tax study sessions with clients. Our knowledge is our product, don't dole out free samples.
7. Don't think "I'll write it down" is the solution to everything. How do you plan to find where you've written that one tiny point you are looking for? Ctrl+F on the notebook, eh?
8. Don't misplace files.
9. Don't misplace any papers. 
10. Don't misplace any stationary.
11. Use Deodorant.
12. Don't insult the 'cutting chai'.
13. Sit properly.
14. If your senior is being mean to you, then you probably are dumb. Because they've seen things from your perspective, and if they still chose to be mean, there is something wrong with you. Or your luck. But mostly you.
15. Act like you've really earned the qualification that qualified you to take up this job in the first place.
16. Don't say,"Because the senior told me to" in front of the boss. Because being told something will be better than not being told anything at all.
17. Don't peep into other people's monitors unless specifically told to do so.
18. NO JEANS on a Tuesday. Just NO.
19. Bring you own goddamn water bottle.
20. Learn backward computation work. Appreciate any senior who can patiently teach you that art.
21. If a senior/ boss takes the time to point out each of your mistake, appreciate it. A lot of people will never bother telling you where you went wrong. And that's more dangerous.
22. A lot of this job is going to be just data entry. Deal with it. A lot of people can't even get this right. Be careful.
23. If you are really smart, find a faster, accuracy retaining way of doing aforementioned data entry.
24. Oh wait! Are you telling me that that friend of yours from your classes dared to ask for an extra jalebi from the halvai and he got two of them?! Absolutely Free?! Guess what. Nobody cares.
25. No. I don't always take out "elsewhere ka frustration" on you. Sometimes, honey, its just you.
26. Your unnecessary arrogance and attitude is not a required or desired job skill.
27. It does not mean you succumb to bonded labor. Maintain your dignity. 
28. Apologize when wrong, give credit when due.
29. Stop talking. Learn to listen. 
30. Don't act two faced and be all nice to me. I couldn't care less what you think of me. 

Oh, and enjoy the ride, if you can ;)

Will I ever trust again?

To be so dependent on someone, someone who is not worthy of your trust. Trusting someone else to take the right decisions on your behalf is pure, unadulterated foolishness. And then expecting an apology from them when they go wrong is ludicrous.

Not getting your closure because they refuse to admit their mistakes is going around the same grind and yet, expecting different results each time. 

To let yourself flow to the whims and fancies of another person, that is suicide. 

For somewhere down the line, as I look back, maybe it was my fault. I would always bend, take the high road and eventually I felt like I was being taken for granted. 

This probably is my karma coming back to bite me. 

And the best alternative I have is to forgive myself, cause I am all I have. 

Apologies for being so needy, so emotionally dependent and so vulnerable. For being so open and unprotected and impulsive.  

But one must also accept that the other person is not one's source of feelings anymore. And should never have been. Blaming someone else for how you feel is immature, and must not be encouraged. Nipped at the bud, if you may. 

The acceptance that not all are capable of an apology is the best thing you can give yourself. Cause all you've got, is you. 

But in this haze of self acceptance and self realization, will I be able to trust again?